It's coming! Closer and closer!! Growing ever larger in the nightime sky... until finally... next August... Mars will be closer to the Earth than it's ever been in recorded history!!! In fact, the last time the red planet loomed this large, neanderthals were doing the astromomy -- 78,000 years ago.

That'll be at 5:51 a.m. EDT on Aug. 27, 2003. Gather around a campfire with some friends, wear stinking animal skins, chew half-cooked meat, stare at the big red star, and get in touch with your inner neanderthal.


posted by Gnomon at 5:37 PM | Link to it!

Al Qaeda operatives in Indonesia reportedly are downcast. It seems they were aiming to kill Americans in their October 12th bar bombing in Bali, according to the confession of a prisoner named "Amrozi." Instead they ended up killing 88 Australians and many others -- 184 in all. But only three were from the US.

Too late for apologies, Amrozi. The Aussies are as ticked off by this as we were by 9/11.

posted by Gnomon at 4:38 PM | Link to it!

It's not often you'll hear us giving helpful advice to the Democratic Party. But it's pitiful watching them laying there thrashing around like a dying bug, devouring their own (like Mr. Gephardt), dazedly wondering how they got clobbered so badly.

Besides, we're strong advocates of a continual, vigorous liberal/conservative WWF wrestling match in American politics. As they body-slam, pile drive, and sleeper hold each other, voters are presented -- or should be -- with competing approaches and a lucid choice. Before his assassination, John Kennedy supposedly agreed with Barry Goldwater to stump the country together in 1964, giving companion speeches and contrasting their radically divergent philosophies for all the electorate to see. That is the ideal campaign, in our opinion.

Democrats have traditionally been the liberal wing of the political system, and the job of liberals is to try and change things they think are wrong or bollixed up. Conservatives, by contrast, advocate the good things worth hanging on to -- hard-won values and lessons we've learned through (and from) history. Of course, both liberalism and conservatism should serve the greater good of America itself.

One of the lessons of history is that both these tendencies have always existed and are necessary for a political system to thrive. Even in the days of absolute monarchies, the wise king or queen surrounded themselves with advisors from both camps. Sometimes radical change is needed -- the battle for civil rights comes to mind; sometimes we need to resist changing things -- the moral imperative to stand up against tyrants and enemies of freedom, for instance. Depending on the circumstances we need some of each.

To save themselves Democrats need to get back to their roots: liberalism in the service of America.

Not liberalism attacking America, such as we find among college professors and senators visiting Bagdad. Not cynical, corrosive, powerplaying in a thin liberal costume, which has eaten away at the Democratic soul with ever-greater agressiveness since the early '90's. In this election and the one before it especially, it was embarassingly plain that the Democratic party had only two goals: hanging on to power and embarassing Republicans. To be honest, your party has been hijacked by self-centered opportunists like Mssrs. Clinton and McAuliffe. When you're main occupation is self-perpetuation, you are a bankrupt system. You can either renew yourself or die.

To renew yourselves, Democrats, go back to you liberal foundation, be proud of it, and ask how can it be applied to the situation today:

• What really needs to be changed right now -- not just because Republicans like it but because it's wrong?
  

• Who is the proverbial "little guy" today that needs you to stand up for him -- not just a traditional constituency you can milk votes from?
  

• Where does justice -- not wishy-washy political correctness, but true justice -- need to be roll down like a river right now?
  

• How can the strong in our society help and serve the weak -- not to foment class warfare but because it is the obligation of the strong?
  

How can you save yourselves? By planting your standard with no apologies on the principles you were founded on, and then imagining anew, from scratch, how they can be applied to the dilemas of America today.

Right now, quite frankly, the country needs conservatism and lots of it. But your day will dawn soon enough. The Democrats need to stand for true, historic liberalism and wait for their time to come.

posted by Gnomon at 2:12 PM | Link to it!

In a "smashing triumph", President Bush's Republicans took back control of the Senate and increased their power in the House (as the Gnomon predicted, only more so!). Why did this happen?

Frankly, when you cut away all the pontificating there's one simple reason: Americans now realize that, through an incredible fluke of our electoral system, we have a remarkably good, Truman-like President. And we like that. Mr. Bush made it clear that what he needs to get his priorities accomplished is a cooperative Congress.

So, in an act of trust not often seen in American politics since Watergate, we gave him one. We should add that Democrats didn't offer much besides whinning (of which Senator Daschle's "Shame on you, Mr. President" speech was a crying example) and a big desire to keep their seats. Oh yeah, and they really wanted to get Jeb Bush. But that wasn't what we were looking for.

Now it is up to the President to live up to that trust.


posted by Gnomon at 10:30 AM | Link to it!

GO VOTE !!!

In-depth investigative spadework by the Gnomon has uncov-
ered shocking, top-secret, in-house, not-for-public-consumption campaign slogans from all the major parties that reveal the true nature of our dicey political process. As a public service to help you, the American voter, do your civic duty we expose them to you now:

Republicans: "The Butt-kickin' party!!!"

Democrats: "Line us up end-to-end and we'll point in every direction!"

Libertarians: "Vote for us or feel the sting of our condescending scorn!"

Greens: "The trees would vote for us if they could... Instead, they've been butchered to make this infernal BALLOT!!!!"

posted by Gnomon at 11:42 AM | Link to it!

The House of Representatives will almost certainly remain in Republican hands this time around, but the Senate could go either way. Right now, it's tied between Republicans and Democrats 49 to 49 with one Independent who is as good as a Democrat any day of the week. After Jesse Ventura replaces the dead Senator Wellstone with his friend Dean Barkley, each of the parties will have 49 senators plus one independent that votes with them -- until Minnesota elects Walter Mondale (Oops! I let a prediction slip out!).

So, without any further ado, here are the Gnomon's predictions for the ten closest races which will decide how the Senate slants for the next two years:

• Minnesota: They're famously Democrat up there and Wellstone's death gives Mondale the sympathy vote. Mondale (Democrat) will defeat Coleman (Republican).


• Missouri: The widow Carnahan is pretty incompetent and everybody knows it. Talent (Rep) will take it from Carnahan (Dem) there.


• Arkansas: They're still ticked off at Tim Hutchinson for divorcing his wife and marrying his assistant, so Pryor (Dem) will trounce Hutchinson (Rep) in that race.


• New Jersey: With Torriceli the Mafioso off the ticket, Democrats there won't hesitate to send old, confused, but relatively clean former Senator Lautenberg back to the Senate. Lautenberg (Dem) beats Forrester (Rep).


• New Hampshire: This one is really hard, but it looks like Sununu (Rep) will barely edge out Shaheen (Dem).


• South Dakota: Another toughie. We flipped a coin and decided Thune (Rep) will scrape by Johnson (Dem) by three votes.


• Texas: We don't know why the pudits list this one as a close race, but they do so we'll make a prediction. Cornyn (Rep) will easily defeat Kirk (Dem).


• Colorado: Allard (Rep) beat Strickland (Dem) six years ago, and it'll be the same result this time.


• North Carolina: Nobody there really wants a former Clinton Chief-of-Staff -- of all people -- to replace Jesse Helms. Lizzy Dole (Rep) will win over Erskine Bowles (Dem).


• Georgia: Clealand (Dem) will squeak by Chambliss (Rep) with three of four percentage points to spare.

If the Gnomon is right (and we generally are) the Senate should slip over into Republican control with 50 from their party, 49 Democrats, and Jim Jeffords -- the Independent who's indistinguishable from a Democrat. With Vice-President Cheney's tie-breaking vote as Senate President, Republicans should have a skin-of-the-teeth majority.
posted by Gnomon at 10:40 AM | Link to it!

Dr. Smith is dead! Jonathan Harris, who played the whinny-pants saboteur on Lost In Space (one of the Gnomon's all-time favorites TV shows!) sucumbed to a heart bloodclot Sunday while having back therapy. Nobody could accuse you of being a "neanderthal ninny" or a "bubble-headed booby" like Smith... I mean Harris.

For those of you still in diapers, he was also the voice of Manny the magician in A Bug's Life and the old doll repairman in Toy Story 2 . Click this to hear Dr. Smith panic (in .wav format).
posted by Gnomon at 8:51 AM | Link to it!

Space.com reports they're finally working on an antimatter engine. The resulting ship doesn't look anything like the Enterprise (any of them!) but -- as predicted by Gene Roddenberry -- it does run on crystals. Not Dilithium crystals, whatever those are, but tiny snowflake-like Antihydrogen crystals.
posted by Gnomon at 6:34 PM | Link to it!

Al Qaeda-types will sleep a bit less soundly tonite. Six of them were driving along in Yemen this morning... enjoying the sun... concocting new malevolent schemes... telling "Zionist" jokes... When suddenly out of nowhere a CIA Predator drone swooped down and fired a Hellfire missile up their tailpipe!

Among the incinerated was Qaed Salim Sunian al-Harethi, otherwise known as "Abu Ali," an al Qaeda honcho involved in blowing up the USS Cole in 2000. This is the first time (that anybody knows about) we've done this outside of Afghanistan.

Interestingly enough, this was originally reported as terrorist's explosives accidently going off when they hit a bump -- but the local villagers saw the plane buzzing around.
posted by Gnomon at 5:04 PM | Link to it!

Our good buddies the Saudis -- whose chestnuts we have pulled out of the fire several times -- say we can't use their bases for disarming Iraq no matter what the UN decides. (Didn't they just get done telling us that we could?? Weasels!)

But that's alright -- Kuwait is more than happy for us to use theirs!

posted by Gnomon at 9:52 AM | Link to it!