A bill passed by the House today aims to make the government look more 'with it.'

"Most of of our governmental websites were built by humorless bureaucratic drones during the early-90's," commented Johnny E. Lectron, Assistant Co-Chairman of the National Prevarication Agency. "This legislation requires that cool graphics be added to all federal websites -- except the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms which is already cool just because of its name."

Other provisions will reportedly make it possible to watch live streaming video of John Ashcroft and Sen. Orrin Hatch crooning self-composed gospel ditties. And senators will be forced to update their Blogs at least once a day.


posted by Gnomon at 5:07 PM | Link to it!

Still smarting from his rejection for the role of Dobby the house-elf in the latest Harry Potter film, Michael Jackson boldly decided to testify in character at his breach-of-contract trial yesterday.

His face heavily made up and his nose surgically disfigured for the role, Jackson responded to intense questioning with characteristic house-elf locutions. "Michael never broke no contracts, sir," he insisted at one point. "'Tis part of the house-elf's enslavement. We keeps our contracts and our obligations, sir."

Asked repeatedly why he'd canceled his appearances at two New Year's Eve, 2000 concerts, Jackson asserted, "Mr. Avram, he canceled the concerts, sir. Michael felt disappointed, he did. Mr. Avram is quite cruel to Michael, sir, but Michael upholds his honor and never speaks ill of him, sir."

Upon which the King of Pop leaped down from his chair and skittered out the nearest window, having not been heard from since.


posted by Gnomon at 5:27 PM | Link to it!

Remember when you just had to know your total cholesterol number? Then they found out there are good and bad cholesterols and you had to keep track of several numbers, not to mention triglycerides. Now there's a whole new theory gaining momentum that focuses on inflamation -- which you may not even feel -- as the major factor in cardiovascular disease.

Researchers have discovered the C-reactive protein (which tells them you have an inflamation somewhere) is a better indicator you're in for a heart attack than even LDL cholesterol.

The idea is that it's an infection where crud has built up in your bloodstream that actually produces heart disease. Luckily, things like healthy diet, exercise, asprin, and statin drugs can bring your C-reactive protein numbers down. Look for this test to become standard operating procedure in the next few years.


posted by Gnomon at 4:17 PM | Link to it!

Jiang's out, Hu's in. A new day for China? As they say in Bejing, Cong lai bu (translation: Don't count on it).


posted by Gnomon at 3:53 PM | Link to it!

A pack of school officials in Spring, Texas just couldn't seem to get a handle on an eight-year-old autistic boy, so they did what any civilized, 21st century neanderthal would do: handcuffed him!

His mother arrived to find him 'cuffed face-down on the floor, weeping, begging to be let go, and scared out of his already damaged mind. What century is this again??


posted by Gnomon at 2:39 PM | Link to it!

Yasser Arafat double-dog dared Benjamin Netanyahu to try and kick him out. "He must know I am Yasser Arafat!" said Yasser Arafat.


posted by Gnomon at 9:26 AM | Link to it!

The mangy, dessicated head of Osama bin Laden finally broke its silence, issuing a rambling, venom-spitting manifesto yesterday on audio tape.

Analysts feel pretty sure it's really him, although a Tokyo expert quoted by the New Scientist says "the speaker sounded ill." That's par for the course when you're holding court from the top vegetable shelf of a western pakistani village market.

Our brothers the Aussies say they're not scared. President Bush is taking it "seriously."

Photo used by the kind permission of Doctor Diatribe.


posted by Gnomon at 9:16 AM | Link to it!

Russian President Vladimir Putin basically told an obstreperous French reporter to "go get circumcised" -- and hospitably offered facilities in Moscow to ensure that "nothing grows back."

You can take the leader out of the KGB, but...


posted by Gnomon at 1:33 PM | Link to it!

House Democrats have decided what they need after this last election is a leader who's really, really abrasive. Nancy "The Belt-Sander" Pelosi from San Francisco is all set to take Dick "The Furby" Gephardt's old job as House Democratic leader, now that his head is rolling down the corridors of power for (belatedly) standing with the President on Iraq.

Some people think this is a good choice. And she surely is a blatant liberal: not the good kind, but that modern, demagogic, non-moral, pacifistic, out-of-touch-with-reality mutation that sprang up from the seeds of the '60's. The Gnomon, you will recall, recommended after this election that the Dems get back in touch with their liberal inner child if they wanted to stay viable. This isn't that, really, but... at least choosing Pelosi means we'll be continuously, agonizingly presented with a clear choice over the next two years!


posted by Gnomon at 10:17 AM | Link to it!

Iraq's hard-bitten, tough-guy Parliament -- renowned worldwide for its feisty independence -- declared in no uncertain terms today that there is no way in Jahannam they will ever accept the UN's resolution demanding disarmament, no way, no how -- unless Saddam wants them too. Having been elected by 100% of the electorate, he has a lot of clout, you know.

President Bush, glancing at his watch and tapping his foot, sighs and says this is "Pure Theater".


posted by Gnomon at 10:12 AM | Link to it!

With the UN Security Council (even Syria!) declaring unanimously that Iraq must disarm or face "serious consequences," a short clock is now ticking on Mr. Hussein. He has until Friday the 15th to accept the the resolution. Here's how Doctor Diatribe sees it.


posted by Gnomon at 4:23 PM | Link to it!

If you want to have children, stay away from Missouri farmers. According to this study, they're having problems there with their, umm, "seed." Their "little guys" are loosing their swimming ability (known as "motility" to people who study this). The best place to go is the big city -- especially Minneapolis and New York, where men are MEN!

Scientists speculate midwestern men may suffer from the same problem midwestern frogs are having!


posted by Gnomon at 3:32 PM | Link to it!

Newsweek is finally catching up! A poll they just conducted shows the same thing the Gnomon told you last Wednesday morning: the Republicans bucked the currents of history and won big in the midterms because of President Bush. He asked for a Republican Congress and we gave it to him, pure and simple. Now, as Newsweek points up, we're expecting results. Mr. Bush seems determined to deliver them.

Several of this poll's questions appear to have been jiggered to get negative-sounding responses to some probable Bush initiatives. But one other thing that's clear is that the President would whip Al Gore, Hillary Clinton, and Dick Gephardt hands down if we held a presidential election today. Who can stand against Mr. Bush in 2004 is a topic of much discussion in Democratic quarters these days.


posted by Gnomon at 1:49 PM | Link to it!